Missed Connection--The guy who ate my shield--m4?

You probably don't remember me. I was the little guy in light purple with the white sword. You were waddling back and forth between a couple wizzrobes next to the block on the left (you know, the one that opens the door if you push it?)

I just want to let you know, I hate you.

When I was in the room, did you notice the shield I was carrying? Of course you did, because YOU ATE IT. Do you know how much I had to save up to buy that thing? 130 rupees. It took me forever to save up that much cash! Sure, 130 isn't that much, but to a guy who already stupidly got all the hidden rupees from the moblins and spent them all, it took me quite a while. Just wandering around, killing all the enemies I could, hoping they would drop some loot. It took me forever!

I did eventually find a better deal on that shield (from a guy who built his store in a cave under a bush. Yeah, you read that right. Under fucking bush.) But that's not the point. The point is, I put a lot of effort into saving up for that shield and you ATE it! You completely blindsided me and swallowed me for a few seconds. As I sat in your stomach, wriggling around and trying to get out, I saw your digestive juices start to dissolve my shield and cried a little inside.

You bastard. Do you know why I bought that shield? I'll tell you why. Did you notice the other guys in the room with us? The ones in orange and blue, who kept disappearing and reappearing and shooting crap at me? Well, they're called wizzrobes. And the stuff they were shooting hurts. A lot. And the only way to keep that from hurting is to buy a better shield, so I did. And then you ate it. You son of a bitch. Now how the fuck am I supposed to fight these guys? Yeah, my blue ring is pretty cool, but it doesn't make me completely invulnerable.

Those wizzrobes aren't the only ones, either. Do you know what a Lynel is? The things that crawl around outside of your castle? No, you probably don't, since you look like the type of guy who doesn't get out much. They shoot swords. Kind of like I did to your buddy in the corner. Do you know how to block those swords? You guessed it, the magic shield! The same one that you just gobbled down like a lion in a butcher shop! So not only am I damn near defenseless in this castle, but it's also a pain in the ass just to even GET here!

Put yourself in my shoes. You're a little elf guy who's sole purpose in life is to rescue this dumb broad who has just gotten her ass kidnapped for the umpteenth time. Or the first time. I'm not even sure which time, to be honest with you. By this point, our history is so screwed up that I'm not even sure what system I'm on anymore. But anyway, so the princess has been captured, and you have to go and save her. You have to traverse the whole damn country, ON FOOT, collect all these different gadgets and trinkets to help you, ON FOOT, and gather up eight pieces of some kind magical triangle that apparently does nothing more than fill your hearts back up. Which is a complete ripoff, since I know a couple fairies that can do the same thing without going through the hassle of tracking them down in some fucking dungeon, and they'll do it anytime you want. But I digress.

So you've been going on this big long journey, all because some chick doesn't know how to hire a decent bodyguard. You're about halfway through your journey, and by this point you just want to go home, but you gotta finish your job. So your in this castle, on the lookout for these psycho black-mage-looking guys who shoot crap at you, when out of nowhere this big, um, thing, comes up and devours your shield like AIG devours taxpayer dollars. How would that make you feel?
I never thought I'd see you again, to be honest. The last time I saw you was back in level four. I didn't have a magic shield then, but if I did, it wouldn't have made a difference because I saw you coming a mile away. You were just sitting in the corner, waiting for me to hack your ass into dust. So now that I actually need a magic shield, I figured I was safe and went and got one. But wouldn't you know it, Murphy's fucking law in action, you show up. And eat it.

You suck.

What are you, anyway? I mean, I know your name is "Like Like," but what ARE you? Some kind of sea urching or something? A flat worm? A piece of a giant sausage, perhaps? Seriously. And by the way, I don't "like like" you. I "hate hate" you. I'd bet your parents do, too. Why else would they name you after a catchphrase from The Wonder Years? Everybody knows what happens when you take stuff from The Wonder Years and associate it with video games. (I love the power glove, it's so bad! (Yes, I'm aware that wasn't his character, but it was his movie))

Go kill yourself. Seriously. Do this for me: go down one room. As soon as you walk through the door, stop. Don't move, just stand there. See those spiky things in each of the corners that suddenly come rushing toward you? Just ignore them. Don't worry if they hit you, they're harmless. Trust me.

Next time I see you, I'll probably have another magic shield. And I swear, if you even look at and lick your lips, I'll whip out a bomb and blow you halfway to Termina. Jerk.

Sincerely,

Link, savior of Hyrule